Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
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Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Let's get the cat blown out
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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