It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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