We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
