It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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