WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
