The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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