You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
