i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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