New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
