My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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