i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
