I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
