the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
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Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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