I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
