All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My dick has a subreddit
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
