i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
