I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Randomize
