the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize