I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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