I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
