is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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