If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
