she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.