I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!