It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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