Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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