There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
