Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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