I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
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Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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