Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
