u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm too high and old for this...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
