Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
