Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
