saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
