I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
