im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
