if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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