wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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