All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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