It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
