my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
