The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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