Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
