He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
