Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
