i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
