oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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