I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
