Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
