I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
