Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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