How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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