I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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