Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
