Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
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Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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